Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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