So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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