remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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