well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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