So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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