Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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