2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
