Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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