i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
