Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
