my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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