matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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