My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
sarcasm needs its own font
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize