Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
