I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
