Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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