Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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