Duck Duck Cougar?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
