No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
