hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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