I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
