you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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