Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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