So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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