I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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