Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
