I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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