You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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