We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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