meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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