just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize