awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
