How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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