Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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