I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
