Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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