She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
