How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
