I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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