"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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