We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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