I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
