I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
