And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
