I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
