i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize