yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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