Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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