I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
