Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
