This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
