I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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