I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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