you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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