my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have feelings that need drinking.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
