I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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