I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I had to cum in my sink.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
