i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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